‘Twas the second weekend of 2014, and all through my head, not an issue was stirring, just about 50 of them…
It has been a rough weekend for me. Not exactly the best start to 2014, but I guess there is not much you can do about it, is there? The end of 2013 was full of good times, family, cookies, and being home with the people I grew up with. I was still not quite satisfied, and I just did not know why. It did not make any sense; I was home…
My life has always had this fulfilling requirement that I can not seem to shake no matter how hard I try and that is that I can not wait to be loved for as much as I can love one other. It is crazy really just how much I long for the feeling I have experienced before in my life just a few years ago. Somewhere along the way though from there to here, I got lost. I can openly and honestly say I am not the same person I was nearing the end of my high school career. I can almost guarantee that as you now read and think about this fact, you will undoubtedly agree. People change. It is the fact of life; the painful reality that we choose to close our eyes in front of.
I am not saying I don’t like my life; however, I am not saying it is perfect either. In fact, it is far from. Welcome to the reality of growing up Zach. I definitely was not warned enough for this (even though I was). Oh well, right? The most I could do is push forward as time forced me through this cavern of life with no way of turning back. All I came armed with were my two hands flailing in front me trying to feel for a solid wall to find my position. All I kept running into was air; deep, unknown, ever-changing, air.
Yes, it is within this cave that I learnt how to ride a bike as my dad gave me a running push down my childhood street with nothing but a big smile on his face. It is also the same cave that my mom had given me countless words of advice hoping to provide a light for me, but there is no light that can help you through this. You will get lost, you will fall down, and you will pick yourself up. The best you can do is push forward showing time that you fear not what lies ahead, but the people you’ll see and the places you’ll go while trying to get there.
My epiphany starts here. I have definitely noticed a prolonged period of carelessness going on lately. Not that my grades in university are bad, or that I am robbing a bank, but just the simple fact of me not being true to my prior beliefs in life in regards to relationships. Maybe it was the harsh destruction of my last strongest attempt in this manner that led me to forget how to care and love for another as an element of chemistry. That is no excuse though. It is not just me who has gotten lost in this part of the cave, no, not at all. I saw many other people there. All I can say is that I hope they realize what I did and maybe they will move on to the next labyrinth. I wish I could tell them that they were walking in circles, but I can’t do such things.
You hear all the time in life that it takes just one thing, person, event, or realization to take place in order to change your direction. This has proven true to me this weekend. I made a bold move for myself and decided to throw out my old trash. It was time to get rid of the weights that bore me down in 2013 and continue this path fresh and lightened. I am going to focus on me more, less of what I want, more of what I need. Less making excuses for things I want, and more realizing practicality of those I need. I am taking a step into the world of journalism; I have always liked to write, maybe this is the route for me? It is definitely worth a shot. I have cleaned out my closet, and actually thought about where I went wrong. That mistake won’t be happening again.
As to this very moment as I wrap up my post, I am happy with my state of mind. I feel great that I actually was able to converse with you. Maybe just one of you reads this all, but that is one more person I can have this heartfelt conversation with. I am peering into the horizon of a potentially satisfying career path, I may have met someone who could fill that empty void I talked about earlier on, and I am looking into the future one day at a time. We live in a world that is 1.5 seconds long, you must make sure to keep an eye on where you are going. You can not go back, you can not even move ahead. You must walk through this darkness one step at a time feeling for the walls that will lead you in the right direction.
Hold on to your friends, your dearests, and your self-worth. If you lose any of those for a second you would be surprised how quickly you can get pushed in the wrong direction. It is definitely an unsatisfying time trying to get back on track, so just stay on track. Keep your values, your ideas, your dreams, hell even shoot for them! You have nothing to lose. Do not throw any of these away, or else you will have no idea where you are going, who you are trying to find, or why you just can not seem to be happy.
You will know it when it comes. You will feel the same “Shit, it is time to regather my thoughts” feeling that I had. Now, I am quite confident that where I am headed from here on is nothing but good news. I have nothing but good going on right now.